Here she is America, this year's SI Swimsuit Issue cover model and I have a serious problem with it. First of all, she's Russian. Now I personally have nothing against Russia, but do you mean to tell me we couldn't find some nice American ass to grace the cover of this American publication? I know foreign models have made the cover before, and I say SI was wrong then, too. The SI Swimsuit Edition is an American institution that has been the masturbation gateway for millions of teenagers for generations. Save the foreign models for SI Russia or SI Brazil. In the good ol' USA the least you could do is give our youth a nice, wholesome, home-grown model to fantasize about on these lonely February days.
Secondly, she's the girlfriend of soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo. Soccer? Is this some kind of conspiracy to teach our kids that the only way to land a supermodel is to play soccer? Say it ain't so. You couldn't find a supermode that's hookin' up with a baseball, basketball or football player? I know, I know, there's Giselle and Brady, but she's not American! Do some digging, SI, or else our favorite American sports will begin to suffer.
Third, get a load of those lips! Now I like the puffy, pouty look just as much as the next guy, but all I can picture is what those things are gonna look like in about twenty years and it ain't pretty. Buzz kill.
So there you have it. Find an American. Find a supermodel who's boinking an American athlete. And find a chick who doesn't look like she could suck a bowling ball through a cocktail straw. Do right by the youth of America! Bang. Pay attention!
