Saturday, April 30, 2011

Here's The Greatest Photograph You'll See Of Ryan Mallet, The Pat's Newest QB Draft Choice - Plus Erin Andrews Shows You What A Whore She Is

The title of this post says it all.  The question is, did Ryan bang the shit out of Erin or what?  I say she took the quarterback challenge.  So many photos, so little time.  Erin just seems like the type that would bang anyone who gets their name in the paper.  Classic fame-whore just lookin' to be on every blog on the planet.  You keep it comin' hotstuff, I'll keep postin' every little slut move ya make.  Bang.  Done.  Pay attention!

Study - Staring At Women's Boobs Is Really Good For You

Bursting bra

10 Minutes Of Staring at Breasts Daily Prolongs Man's Life by 5 Years

WHOLEFITNESS.COM - According to German research published in New England Journal of Medicine, men staring at women's breasts in fact prolong their lives with years. "Just 10 minutes of looking at the charms of a well-endowed females is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out," said author Dr. Karen Weatherby, a gerontologist. The team led by Weatherby was made up of researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, and found this results after monitoring for 5 years the health of 200 male subjects, half of whom were asked to look at busty females daily, while the other half had to abstain from doing so. For five years, the breasts oglers presented a lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and decreased risk of coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation. There's no question: Gazing at large breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half." said Weatherby, who even recommends that men aged over 40 should spend at least 10 minutes daily admiring breasts sized "D-cup" or larger.

Who paid for this study? Because you could've just asked me the question and I would've given you the answer for free. Of course staring at breasts is good for you. It's half the reason women have 'em. Matter of fact, aren't most of us staring at 'em (and drinkin' from 'em) from the get-go?  Boobies - God's gift to men's health! (Now don't leave this page for 10 minutes.)

Friday, April 29, 2011

Patriots Draft QB Ryan Mallett - Did I Predict This Or What?

Not that I wanna toot my own horn, but I wanna toot my own horn.  Here's what I posted on April 14th:

Is this the year the Patriot's draft and begin to groom Tom Brady's replacement?  If so, I think it's a genius move.  The Pats have 2 first round draft choices this year and there's probably gonna be a rookie salary cap once the lockout is settled.  This is a chance to think long-term without breaking the bank and set up for a future QB who will have a few years to learn as an understudy to the best in the game.  It's the kind of move that could have the Patriots maintain their level of excellence for years to come.  With all the draft picks New England has this year they can afford to make a move for the long haul.  The Hooded Genius strikes again!

The Pats didn't even have to use a first or second round pick to get what lots of people think was first round talent.  This kid is Tom Brady Junior.  Not real fast, no great vertical leap, but he's got the size to see over defensive linemen and he has a canon for an arm.  Best of all, he has a few years to learn the pro game from the best in the business.  The Patriots can take their time and groom this kid to step in when it's time to move on from Brady.  Pure genius move from the HC of the NEP's.  This is why New England will continue to be in the upper echelon of the NFL for years to come.  Well done, Coach.

It's Friday Night Speakeasies - Time To Go Out And Boogie!

Dance 'til ya drop. Have a great weekend.

Daily Dime #2

Donald Trump Drops The F-Bomb On Saudi Arabia

Fuckin' right! Take that Saudi Arabia. You're dealin' with large American testicles now. If only one, just one politician had the nads to say this directly to the Prince or the Shiek or the Terrorist or whoever is in charge over there. Balls out, baby. Pay attention!

Check Out This Sperm Collector

I dunno, I think she's kinda cute. Maybe a little too easy, just puttin' out for every Tom, Dick and Harry. But who's to say ya couldn't make an honest woman out of her? Doesn't look she nags or talks back or asks too many questions. And she's always down for sex. I think I could make her fall in love with me. If not, just pull the plug on the whole relationship. Bang. Done.

Afternoon Refreshment

Danilo Gallinari Of The Denver Nuggets Actually Has A Sense Of Humor

Problem is, I don't think Danny-boy here realizes he's acting. You just know he wants this chick to watch him drop the boys off at the pool. Hey - somebody let Danilo in the joke!

Man Drinks Himself To Death Over A $6.09 Bet

Double punch - Tanzanian drinks to death

THE TELEGRAPH - A TANZANIAN man has died after drinking 25 sachets of a potent moonshine known as "double punch", losing a six-dollar bet with his friends that he could gulp 30 down in one sitting. Moses Kanyange, 37, had been promised $6.09 by his partners during a drinking session if he could down 30 sachets of the brew, a pungent spirit imported from neighbouring Zambia. "We are still investigating the issue because more than 10 people took part, but only Moses died," Isuto Mantage, a police commander from the southwestern region of Tanzania said today. Other police sources said Kanyange was "an experienced drinker", known to be able to drink 25 half-litre bottles of beer in less than two hours, but he had already consumed too much alcohol before taking the double punch bet.

I would've given the guy at least $7.00.  Trust me, we will serve no such rotgut here at the Speakeasy.  Only the highest quality beer, wine and spirits.  Hey, that homemade stuff can kill ya!

Can Someone Help This Out Of Work Ninja Get A Job?

Five bucks for a real, honest-to-god ninja? Such a deal. I would've gladly paid twenty. C'mon people, someone out there must need a ninja for somethin', right? Ryou here could sneak up on some unsuspecting adversary and make 'em headless in no time at all. That's an honest day's work for an honest buck. Let's make it happen, Speakeasies!

Nathan Horton Is The Newest Bruin Hero - Here's His Nearly Naked Hot Wife Tammy Plante

I have so much more respect for Horton's game now.  Boy's a playa!

DUI Lawyer Sues Strip Club After Spending Almost $19,000 Because He Was Too Drunk

Legal action: DUI attorney Mark Gold is suing a Miami strip club after he got drunk and spent $18,930 on one night out (file photo)
Expensive habit? Lawyer Mark Gold is suing Gold Rush strip club in Miami after he spent almost $19,000 on a drunken night out in November
Photos via UK Daily Mail

FOX NEWS - An attorney who specializes in drunken-driving offenses is suing a Florida strip club, claiming it got him so drunk he spent almost $19,000 on his credit card, reports. Mark S. Gold reportedly is suing the Gold Rush strip club in Miami-Dade County Court, saying he became "temporarily unconscious" during a drunken night at the club in November 2010 and racked up $18,930 in charges. The lawsuit alleged that "Gold Rush knowingly and continuously served plaintiff alcoholic beverages to the extent that he was rendered intoxicated, partially or temporarily unconscious, and further to the extent that he had a complete loss of judgment, rational thought, or ability to enter into lawful contracts or agreements," according to the website. The allegations reportedly say that the club "knowingly caused plaintiff's irrational state of mind, continued to ply him with liquor in order to charge his credit card excessive amounts to the extent of $18,930." The lawsuit, filed April 18, makes no mention of how much drinks or services the 56-year-old Gold may have bought, according to the U.K. Daily Mail. Gold is demanding that the club's owners, Turntable Entertainment and Production Company, refund him his money.

Do not, I repeat, do not, give this ambulance chaser his money back.  Talk about karma or irony or some shit like that.  This douche has been gettin' drunks off the hook forever and now he's on the hook himself.  It's time to pay up, counselor.  Hope you enjoyed gettin' screwed without gettin' screwed because now you're screwed.  Bang.  Done.  Send all the lawyers to the bottom of the ocean.  Pay attention!

PS - Love how the company he's suing is called "Turntable" because the table has been turned, no?

"Gossip Girl" Actress Tika Sumpter In Hot Lingerie Photos

Tika Sumpter in Esquire Me in My Place

Tika Sumpter in Esquire Me in My Place
Tika Sumpter in Esquire Me in My Place

So I guess this chick is on "One Life To Live" and "Gossip Girl."  Probably not a big surprise to everyone that I haven't seen a minute of either one of these shows.  Doesn't matter.  My job is to find hot chicks in skimpy clothing and get 'em up here on the Speakeasy.  Mission accomplished, I'd say....

Women Ride Out Tornado In Tanning Bed

TRENTON, Ga. (WRCB-TV) - Just a stone's throw south of the square in downtown Trenton, Georgia lies a scene of utter devastation. One of Wednesday afternoon's tornados touched down near the intersection of Main and Lafayette and seemed to chew up and spit out everything in its path. Not a window was left un shattered in Moore Funeral Home and the south end of the building was reduced to rubble. Residents in the Auburn Apartments also took a beating. We met Lisa Rice as she surveyed the damage to her business. She had opened S&L Tans on Main Street just three weeks prior. She and her two daughters, aptly named Stormy and Sky, rode out the storm. They had ridden out a twister in Rising Fawn back in 1992 by crowding into a bath tub. Once again, Mom had a plan. "We was watching it through the window and started seeing stuff flying around and we had already made plans that if something happened, we were gonna get in the tanning bed." That is just what they did. The three of them took cover in one tanning bed and pulled down the lid while the building seemed to disintegrate around them. "I kept telling her, 'We're gonna die,'" said Sky. Rice explained, "well, we just laid there for a few minutes. I kept telling them just to be quiet, it's not over. And the wind kept blowing and then finally it calmed down and we got out and climbed out of the building." They could do that because the back brick wall had been swept away. Search and rescue operations continue through the night in Trenton, but these three escaped with their lives. And for that, they are thankful. "The whole time we were in there, we were just praising God," Rice said. "Just, 'Hold us and keep us tight.' And we're alive. There's a lot of people that's lost their homes here. We can rebuild if we want to or relocate, but there's a lot of people that lost their homes and their lives."

Get a tan, survive a twister. Brilliant! Talk about killing two birds with one stone. Just a great, improvised play like Michael Vick scrambling out of the pocket. No panic, just stone cold execution.  These chicks can play on my team any day. Quick thinking under pressure. Clutch. WINNING!

Daily Dime

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Ice-T's Wife Coco Celebrates "Thong Thursday"

I hereby declare "Thong Thursday" a national holiday.  The flag is at full mast.

The Bruins Are The Dog, The Chick Is The Canadiens

Yup, we shat all over 'em!  Woo-hoo!

Daily Dime #2

Former Miss USA Rants About Her Vagina Being Touched By TSA

I don't wanna be a dick here, but how the fuck did this chick ever become Miss USA? As an American I'm truly offended that someone of this caliber gets to represent me. Ugly as shit. Now I realize she's travelling, not dressed up, not wearin' a lot of makeup, but c'mon - she's supposed to be reppin' the Red, White and Blue for chrissakes! I guess she's a little more Miss TSA than Miss USA.

On the other hand, I completely believe her. Just too much shit comin' down these days about all the asswipe shit that the TSA is pullin'. Pay attention! (And don't be lettin' any $6.50-an-hour slapdick touch yer privates!)

Afternoon Refreshment

Here's Your Chance To Look Directly Into The Eyes Of A Stone Cold Pervert

Man Accused by Bradford County Sheriff's Office of Filming Naked Tanning Customers in Starke Tanning Salon

FIRST COAST NEWS - Police said possibly hundreds of women may have been victimized by a Starke man arrested for filming unknowing customers who came to tan naked in his tanning salon. Doyce Dean Griffis, 47, of Starke, is being held at the Bradford County Jail without bond on charges of making, printing or publishing computer pornography and voyeurism. Two women notified the Bradford County Sheriff's Office Tuesday about a private sun tanning business videotaping customers without their knowledge, the agency said in a statement. According to BCSO, some of the victims may have been as young as 13, and that it likely will take months to complete the probe. The woman who noticed the camera and reported Griffis said she "felt molested." Griffis said Wednesday from jail that he felt he had done nothing wrong because he kept the tapes private. He also said since the women were "beautiful," he did not know why they would mind being taped. The tanning business, operating since 2000, was in a barn at the suspect's home in the 2200 block of Southeast 128th Street in Starke. According to a statement from BCSO, the suspect confessed to filming customers who undressed before tanning. A two-way mirror, laptop computer, four containers of VHS tapes, 30 8 mm cassettes, 41 DVDs and two memory cards were seized as evidence. Detectives are trying to determine who the people are in the tapes.

Everybody's got an excuse. I'm so sick of every fucking person alive makin' excuses for everything they do that I'm gonna puke for a day and a half. Just once I'd like to see some dude like this sit there and say "Hey, I wanted to see naked chicks. I'm kinda ugly so I don't get many chances. The tanning bed was a chance for me to see shit that I would have no shot at otherwise. Sucks that I got caught, but I had a few good years." Wouldn't that be refreshing? It might even restore your faith in humanity. Problem is, it ain't happening any time soon.  Fuck off, Doyce.  Hope you enjoy gettin' your salad tossed.

Church Bells Are Ringing - And No, I Don't Really Mean Church Bells

I'm gonna give this a 9 on the Spaz-O-Meter. I mean your friend (who has a touch of athletic ability) just showed you what to do and you failed like a dog. C'mon brah, are we gonna have to put a leash on you? If not that, let me lay a little Bahtendah wisdom on ya - never leave the house without a cup on. Ever. Pay attention!

Awesome Video Of A Failed Bank Robbery

Mad props for this security guard. It's pretty clear he took some meaningful shots to the dome but he stood his ground and turned back this Jesse James wannabe. I remember reading about those old Pinkerton security guards in the Wild West. Supposedly they were as mean and tough and bad-ass as it gets. Well, my friend, I hereby nominate you as an honorary Pinkerton. Well played, my man.

Surveillance Video Of Man Pissing On Cough Drops At Walgreens

This story is a couple of days old, but I just got wind of the video footage. Pretty nonchalant for someone whippin' out the Johnson in a store. The question is, Does he get off wizzin' in public or does he have something against cough drops specifically? Different strokes for different folks, although I can't imagine bein' harmed by a throat lozenge. So many questions, so little time....

Crackpot Gets The Royal Couple's Faces Tattooed Onto His TEETH

ENGLAND - Royal wedding fever has taken hold of everyone on both sides of the pond – but perhaps none moreso than a plumber from England named Barmy Baz Franks. Barmy recently spent £1,000 and six hours in a dentist’s chair getting Prince William and Kate Middleton’s faces tattooed on his teeth! Crafted by Dr Neil Gerrard, of the Clifton Dental Studio in Bristol, the images were painted on by hand using ultra-fine brushes and stencils. The ‘gnasher tats’ (oh you wacky Brits) will last about three months depending on how thoroughly Barmy brushes. ”I love the Royal Family and this was my way of lending my support to their Big Day.” says Franks. How sweet.

This dude is the single biggest dickwad I've seen in a long time. Are you serious? Doesn't he realize this is the most over-hyped event in the history of over-hyped events? Here's the plan:  I run into him in a bar, knock out his two front teeth, scoop them up as souvenirs and sell them back to him for twice what he paid for the tattoos. Bang. Done. Pay attention!

High School Teacher Busted For Having Threesome With Students - The Kicker Is They're "Special Needs" Students

RGJ.COM - A 34-year-old Reed High School special education teacher remained jailed Monday on charges she had sex with two 17-year-old students, in acts that allegedly occurred in her personal vehicle. Friday’s arrest of teacher Bethyl “Beth” Shepherd was the second recent sexual misconduct-related arrest of a special education Reed High School employee. Last month, Reed special education teacher’s aide Marie L. Fisher was arrested on felony charges related to having a sexual relationship with a 15-year-old student with whom she also allegedly sent graphic text message photos, according to court documents. An arraignment date has not yet been scheduled in the case. Shepherd, who has been on administrative leave since school police received information on the incident, faces felony counts of sexual conduct between a school employee and a pupil. Bail was set at $4,000. According to a probable cause affidavit filed in Sparks Justice Court, school police detectives learned through an unidentified source that Shepherd, employed with the district since August 2001, allegedly was involved in a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old student on April 7. Investigators accused her in the court filing of having sex with two 17-year-olds in her personal vehicle, away from school grounds. She told investigators that one student forced her to engage in sexual activities while she denied any contact with the other. Washoe County schools police Chief Mike Mieras said, “Well, there are two sides to a story,” but after interviews with other sources, he added, enough information had been gathered to suggest probable cause. “What her allegations are at this time are not quite matching up to the accounts of what was reported to us,” Mieras said. It was not immediately known Monday afternoon if Shepherd had hired an attorney. A contact phone number Shepherd gave officers went unanswered and did not allow voice mail. Mieras said school district area superintendent Lynn Rauh, who oversees Reed, is going to meet with Principal Mary Vesco and do some training with the staff on appropriate behavior and personal relationships with students...

I gotta admit, the "Special Needs" part of this story threw me completely for a loop. Usually when 17-year-olds have sex with their teachers I'm just jealous. But this is a little different. This might be the first time I'm actually in favor of prosecuting the female teacher. Beth here also looks a little goofy to me. I say put her in stir and let her learn how to be a lesbian.

Little Fat Kid Reviews Girl Scout Mint Cookies

Right on, brah. Fuckin' buy 'em. The Girl Scouts couldn't produce a better commercial if they tried. What's a better endorsement for cookies than a fat kid? Answer: There isn't one. Bang. Done. Pay attention!

Daily Dime

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Breaking News: Bruins Oust Habs In Game Seven Overtime Victory

Go home, you floppin' vaginas! No team in NHL history has ever won a 7-game series without scoring a power play goal. Until now. Maybe this is an indicator of something special happening in Boston this year. Bring on the Flyers and redemption!

Daily Dime #2

Afternoon Refreshment

Here's Coco's Titty Pic Of The Day

Hard-Ass Or Pussy? You Decide.

I'm votin' pussy and I know I'm right. Hey, it's easy to give a judge a whole sackload of shit once you've been arrested and you're in court with your hands locked behind your back. Matter of fact, I say it's about a week before Mr. Bad-Ass here is tossin' the salad of his 320 pound cellmate. Not impressed, fatso. You got no game. You're so far from a playa you couldn't see it with binoculars. Pay attention!

Albert Pujols Is The Dirtiest Player In Major League Baseball History - There's No Debate!

Okay, quick little "Hooked On Phonics" lesson here.  The correct way to pronounce his name is "Poo Holes."  The prosecution rests.  The only other contender would be the old-time pitcher named Dick Pole....Pay attention!   ;-)

The Worst Motivational Speaker Ever?

Before you all email me, I know this video is old. I'm only posting it because it hits home right now. A couple of weeks ago I attended a "motivational" meeting with a company in my area. It was without a doubt the biggest fuckin' joke I have ever seen. They had an old ex-NFL player speak to everyone about perseverance, winning, etc. Well, it just so happens that I know this guy and he's the biggest prick on planet earth. Total skirt chaser (yup, he's married), never met a line of coke he didn't like, and an alcoholic like you read about. His big act is to let chicks wear his Super Bowl ring and see if that gets him laid. Just totally reminded me of this dick on the video. Had to do it. Thanks for watchin'.

British Bombshell Kelly Brook's Latest Sexy Bikini Photos

Check out how the bikini kinda matches her eyes.  That's "box of tissues" kind of stuff right there.

This is the money shot, right here.  It's not a bikini, but it's enough to make the little soldier stand up and salute.  God save the Queen!  Ridonkulous!

Boob-tastic - that's all I can say...

I would pay Arab-Sheik-money to shag the farts outta this for just one night.  I'm pretty sure I got a shot.  Maybe.  Well, I can freakin' dream, can't I?

Chinese Restaurant Waiter Hands Bill To Customer Who Had A Seizure As He's Being Loaded Into An Ambulance

NEWS.COM.AU - A CHINESE restaurant that slapped a customer with the bill as he was being loaded into an ambulance has defended its actions. Onlookers called paramedics when the man fell to the ground suffering an apparent seizure while enjoying dumplings with his friend at Shifu Dumpling Express in Acland St, St Kilda, at about 4.30pm today. As the man was being loaded into the ambulance and his friend was climbing in to join him, a waiter came and handed the friend the bill. Bella, who did not want her surname used, said she was disgusted at the restaurant's actions. "I was so incredulous that it had happened,'' she said. "It wasn't the most expensive restaurant in town, it's a dumpling house and their bill would not have been more than $30. "It was just so inappropriate, I will never go there again.''

Shut the fuck up, Bella. What if the dude was a grifter? If you noticed, the guy's friend got in the ambulance with him. It's the oldest version of "eat it and beat it" in the universe. Total con job. The friend could've settled the bill, but no. He hops in the ambulance with his buddy, they make a break for it at the hospital, and their bellies are full of free dumplings. I know. Been there. Done that. (Well not exactly the seizure thing, but let's just say there were quite a few Chinese restaurant tabs left unpaid back in the day. Hey - shit happens.) I
say give the waiter a raise. Bang. Done. Pay attention!

Atlanta Cop Punches Chick Right In The Face!

I'm not gonna waste any time on whether this was justified or not. It clearly was. I've been taught since I was just a little Bahtendah that if someone punches you it's okay to hit back. End of story. Let's move on.

The only problem I have with what the cop did was that it was a weak-ass shot. Hey, you're probably only gonna get one, so make it count my man. They shoulda been pickin' up this chick's teeth off the floor! One shot - ya gotta go for the KO. Bring the hammer to the grill and stand over her for the 10-count. You've let me down big time. Where's the focus? Where's the hand-eye coordination? How 'bout a fake with the left and the money shot with the right? Let's get on point here, dude. Pay the fuck attention!

Former Red Sox Psycho Carl Everett Busted For Holding A Gun To His Wife's Head

TBO.COM - Former Major League outfielder Carl Everett got into a dispute with his wife Monday night, pointing a gun at her head then breaking two cell phones when she attempted to call for help, according to an arrest report. Everett was arrested late Monday on charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and tampering with a witness, according to Hillsborough County jail records. Everett's attorney, Clinton Paris, declined comment today. Everett, 39, of 4729 Rue Bordeaux, Lutz, was arrested at his home shortly after 10 p.m., jail records show. He is being held in a Hillsborough County jail with no bond set. The trouble started at 7:30 p.m., according to the report. Everett was arguing with his wife. Court records show he is married to Linda Everett. The argument was escalated by Everett, when he pointed a silver handgun his wife's head and pressed it against the side of her head, placing her in fear for her life, according to the report. Linda Everett then tried to call 911, on her iPhone. Everett grabbed it and broke it. His wife tried to call 911 from another phone, but Everett grabbed that and broke it too, according to the report. The Everetts have been married 18 years and have three children together, according to the report. Everett, who was born in Tampa and played at Hillsborough High School, spent 14 seasons in the Major Leagues. He broke in with the Florida Marlins, was later traded to the New York Mets and did stints with the Houston Astros, Boston Red Sox, Texas Rangers, Chicago White Sox and Montreal Expos before heading to the Seattle Mariners, where he retired after the 2006 season.He amassed a .271/.341/.462 triple slash line, according to with 202 home runs and 792 RBI.

No big surprise here. This dude was one of the most bat-shit crazy players the Red Sox have ever had. I mean he actually didn't believe in the existence of dinosaurs. That little quote earned him the nickname Jurassic Carl. Don't get me wrong though, strictly as a player the guy had it all. Five-tool talent. Stud player plus he provided some of the best quotes of all time. My favorite was when he called local sportswriter Dan Shaughnessy the "Curly-headed boyfriend." Priceless shit. But you always new he was a few cards short of a deck.

How About Waking Up With Some Nearly Naked Hotties Auditioning For Playboy?

Me likey. If that doesn't get a rise outta ya this mornin' I don't know what will. You're welcome.

Daily Dime

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Breaking News - Flopping Canadiens Win Game Six - Time To Put These Girls In Their Place Tomorrow Night

This is gonna be short. I'm so fuckin' sick of these women from Montreal floppin' like whores on dollar day that I hope the B's pound their fairy asses into submission tomorrow night with a whuppin' that will live on for decades. This is a team full of vaginas that hits the deck every time someone even gets close to them, including the goalie. Fuck off! This is hockey! If the Habs win this series it will set back testosterone by about 30 years. I'm done. Pay attention!

Daily Dime #2

Afternoon Refreshment

Hope You're Having As Much Fun Today As This Little Dude

Sometimes ya just need to take a break and have a good laugh. There ya go. That is all.

7th Grader's Quarterback Trick Shot Video

The video's not bad, but I think I actually enjoyed the scenery around Provo, Utah a little more. Looks pretty nice there, right? And by the way, whoever the other dude in the video is - PUT A SHIRT ON! You're creepin' me out a little.

Naked Man Asks "You Want A Piece Of This?"


TCPALM - A man accused of being naked in public and who is quoted as saying, "You want a piece of this," while pulling his crotch has been arrested, according to recently released records. Stephen David Delaplaine, 58, was arrested April 19 on two exposure of sexual organs warrants stemming from earlier alleged in-the-buff incidents. About 5:15 a.m. March 27, Port St. Lucie police went to Southeast Kestwick Court and Southeast Rivergreen Circle "in reference to a naked male standing on the corner," records show. A woman said she was delivering newspapers, and when she came to the corner, she saw a man in his birthday suit. She passed the man again after making a U-turn on the dead-end street. The nude dude was described as about 50 to 60 years old, wearing glasses and "slightly balding with a big belly just standing there." She said she saw the same man au naturel two to three weeks earlier. The next morning the accused naked man pulled on his penis and said, "You want a piece of this." Police spied Delaplaine -- sporting a Hawaiian shirt and tan shorts -- in his living room nearby. He matched the woman's description but denied being the naked man. He said he was reading and has depression and insomnia. The woman identified Delaplaine, of the 1600 block of Southeast Kestwick Court in Port St. Lucie, as the naked man. Delaplaine ultimately declined to take a lie detector test, saying his "depression and mental illness would not show a fair result."

Aw c'mon. How is Stevie here not gettin' laid left and right? I'm mean he's obviously got the dashing good looks, he lets ya see the merchandise before ya buy and he's got the greatest pick-up line of all time. Dude's a playa. He's a pro in a world of rank amateurs. Must be like Carl Crawford. He's got all the skills and talent, just slumpin' big time right now. Things will turn around Steve-o. Just keep your head in the game.

Check Out Eva Longoria's Ass In This Hot Green Bikini

You'll just have to trust me on this one.  The rest of the pictures sucked.  A couple of shots of Eva's boy toy and a couple of grainy pics that showed nothing.  But this little photo of Ms. Longoria's backyard just might be enough to make your day.  Gotta wonder if Tony Parker misses tappin' that, huh?

Man Caught Huffing Paint - For The 48th Time!

Paint-huffing husband hauled to jail

FORT WAYNE, Ind. - A Fort Wayne man was charged with inhaling toxic vapors for the 48th time after his wife called police and told them he was huffing paint in their apartment last Thursday. According to a Fort Wayne Police Department report, when an officer arrived at the 517 Lawton Place apartment, Elizabeth Gibson said she and her husband Kelly had been in an argument and he had gone upstairs to huff paint. The report said since she was afraid to go inside, she handed the officer her keys and followed him up. When the officer opened the door, the entire apartment smelled of paint fumes and Kelly was found sitting on the couch with his shirt off, and his hands, mouth, nose and chin covered in silver paint. Police said Kelly had a can of silver spray paint in his right hand and a paint-covered plastic bag in his left. The officer said Kelly had a dazed, glassy-eyed look about him and was unsteady on his feet. Kelly was taken to the Allen County Jail and charged with inhaling toxic vapors. This incident was the 48th time Kelly was charged with inhaling since 1992.

So how many times does this dude have to get caught huffing before we get ol' Kelly here onto "Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab?" 60? 80? This guy must shit Picasso's when he hits the head. He's in the paint more often than Shaquille O'Neal. And by the way, if this isn't a portrait of the artist as a happy man, then I don't know what is. I've never seen anyone more psyched to take their mug painting, er, I mean shot.

One last question - wonder if Kelly thinks he was "framed?" Sorry, couldn't resist....