Cops Say Woman Hid Knives In Her Vagina And In Her Rolls Of Fat - Wait, Really?

NYDAILYNEWS - A Florida woman was busted by cops after she allegedly attempted to hide a knife in her "private area," police said. Gloria Esther Perez, 25, faces a charge of carrying a concealed weapon after her arrest in April. Fort Myers cops discovered the unusual hiding spot after responding to a report of Perez fighting with another woman, a police report said. When approached by an officer, Perez and the other woman, Whitney Noelle Krimmel, 28, were "very cooperative," telling him they were fighting over buying cigarettes, police said. However, the longer police remained, the more "nervous" the women appeared to be, the report said. An officer also noticed that Perez was becoming increasingly fidgety, "putting hands into her pockets and near her private area like she was trying to conceal something." Enlisting the help of a female deputy, Perez was searched and found to be hiding dozens of prescription pills, police said.Perez then "became ill," the police report states, and was taken to a hospital. Once there, it was discovered she was concealing two knives. One was tucked within the folds of her fat while the other was "hidden in her vagina." In addition to the concealed weapons charge, Perez faces several charges relating to the possession of narcotics.

These weapons of mass destruction must have been butter knives. Otherwise, how is it that G-L-O-R-I-A wasn't bleedin' all over the place? Now contrary to what some of you more feisty fans out there believe, I don't have a vagina, but I've seen one or two in my lifetime and am vaguely familiar with that specific piece of anatomy. Not so much of an expert on rolls of fat though, thankfully. But from my limited experience, the "vajayjay canal" would not be the preferred storage vehicle for sharpened stainless steel. I say drop the current charges and book this dipshit for what should be a crime in all 50 states - Misdemeanor Ridonkulous Moronic-ness. That's right, MRM for short should be a crime all across the glorious US of A because it's becoming an epidemic (especially in Florida). The punishment? 30 days of intensive common sense instruction at your nearest elementary school. If you're not smarter than a fifth-grader at the end of class, rinse and repeat. Bang. Done. Pay the fuck attention!

How Far Would You Go To Steal A Case Of Beer?

Police: Man hid in Walgreens for beer

UPI.COM - Police in Kansas said a burglar hid inside a Walgreens store until it closed and tried to leave with a case of Bud Light beer. Wichita police said they responded to the Walgreens store at 21st and Maize Road Saturday night after a burglar alarm was tripped at the store, KDFI-FM, Wichita, reported Tuesday. Officers arrived to find a 25-year-old man near the store with a case of Bud Light. The man allegedly told officers he hid inside the store because employees refused to sell him the beer. He said he waited until the store was closed and employees had left to emerge and with the beer. Police said he apparently tripped the burglar alarm on the way out. He was placed under arrest.

Let me get this straight. You hide in a store, wait for it to close and then all you try to walk out with is a case of beer? This dude is such a lightweight he's pathetic. Have some balls, kid. If you're gonna take the risk, make it worthwhile. It's Walgreen's - there's a whole lotta shit in that store and they have shopping carts! How 'bout some pizza? Or pretzels? Or maybe, like, a cash register? C'mon young fella, you're just a laughing stock without the creativity, destined to spend your career in the minors. Such a waste....

Maybe He Should Have Hidden The Crack In The Crack

Officers Say Drugs Found In Man's Penis
LOUISVILLE, KY. - A Fairdale man faces charges after Louisville Metro Corrections officers said they discovered suspected crack cocaine in the foreskin of his penis. According to the arrest report, officers asked Antoine Banks if he had any drugs, weapons or contraband on him as he entered Metro Corrections after his arrest. He told them he didn’t, police said. During a clothed pat-down, officers said they found a small bag of suspected cocaine tied to the waistband of Banks’ boxers. After that bag was found, a strip search was ordered, according to the arrest report. During the strip search, another small bag was in the foreskin of his penis, police said. Police said Banks was originally arrested after a traffic stop led to the discovery of a bag of salvia and liquid codeine. Banks (was) arrested on charges of second-degree possession of a controlled substance first offense and possession of synthetic cannabinoid agonists or piperazines. Banks is now facing additional trafficking a controlled substance and promoting contraband charges.


Antoine's got a lot goin' on here, huh?  Codeine, cocaine, crack, salvia.  This dude sounds like the Charlie Sheen of Louisville.  Where you hidin' the porn stars, Antoine?