LSU To Begin Marketing Its Own Beer

LOUISIANA - If you thought night football games were bad in Death Valley at LSU, wait until you get a load of this: LSU has made plans to brew and sell its own beer. LSU is looking for new opportunities to generate revenue for the university, including getting into the beer business. The program will come from a partnership with the Tin Roof Brewing Co. and Mockler Beverage, and could begin distributing its products in the near future. The project was developed by LSU’s food science department with classes involved in creating the recipe. Ernie Ballard, a spokesman for LSU, says the logos and can designs are in the final stages with an eye towards placing beer on store shelves by fall. SEC policy prohibits alcohol sales in its member stadiums.

Well, that's it.  It's over.  LSU will now win every national title in football for the next 10 years and they'll probably become a powerhouse in lots of other sports as well.  Who kew schools could sell their own beer?  Now for most schools this wouldn't be a big deal.  But LSU?  Shit is gonna be huge!  People in New Orleans probably drink more beer than anywhere on the planet with the possible exception of South Boston.  It's beer and Hurricanes in epic proportions all day every day.  LSU is about to become the Yankees of college football.  They'll have shit-tons of money like you read about.  Probably increase the salaries of everyone in the athletic department, build a new Superdome and pay the players more than they even do now.  Wait, what?  College players don't get paid?  Yeah, right - they will now.

Amish Teenager Caught With Beer In His Buggy

SOME AMISH PLACE - An Amish teenager allegedly led police on a buggy chase after they spotted him drinking beer in the vehicle. Lewis Hostetler, 17, was seen driving the buggy while holding a can of beer on Monday at 1am by sheriff’s deputies on patrol, police said. Officers attempted to stop the buggy in Conewango, New York, but Hostetler allegedly led them on a short chase before pulling over. Hostetler has been charged with a host of offences including resisting arrest and second-degree obstructing governmental administration. He is also charged with unlawful possession of an alcoholic beverage with intent to consume by a person under age 21, reported the Buffalo News. Three more charges from the incident include failure to yield to an emergency vehicle, insufficient tail lamps and littering on a highway. He was arraigned in Randolph Town Court and taken to jail on $500 bail. Hostetler will face charges in Conewango Town Court, which is more than 50 miles south of Buffalo, at a later date.

When will the senseless persecution of the Amish stop?  Lewis Hostetler needs to be freed immediately.  He probably hates the fact that he's Amish and can't do all the fun shit that all of the other kids his age are doin'.  It must tear him up seein' 17-year-olds bangin' chicks, drivin' cars, doin' drugs and guzzlin' brewdogs like the world's about to end.  All he wanted was to sip a Natty Light like the rest of the kids in the hood and now he's facin' more charges than Casey Anthony?  Shit ain't right.  Pay attention!

Thought For The Day - Cliff Clavin's Beer Philosophy

Introducing The Personal Beer Brewery

This puppy will set you back $4,626 but it could be the best 4 large you've ever spent.  Must.  Have.  Immediately.

Must. Have. Immediately. Beer And Shot Glass

Pure genius.  Two birds with one stone and all that.  The only glass the Speakeasy will ever need.  Bang.  Done.

Kill Bunnies - Get Half Price Beer! (Really)

Half-price beer for dead bunnies

NZHERALD - A Wanaka bar has come up with a novel idea to help with central Otago's rabbit plague - offering half-priced beer jugs for four dead rabbits this weekend. Bullock Bar manager Margo Johnston said the promotion was not only to reduce the rabbit numbers, but also because the New Zealand Warriors were playing the Sydney Rabbitohs in a rugby league match in Auckland tomorrow. "Hopefully it will eradicate a few rabbits from Central Otago farmland," she told The Southland Times. The dead rabbits were expected to be turned into dog food.

What do the good folks in New Zealand have against bunnies?  Oh, I get it. It's rabbits, not bunnies. Good thing they didn't say chicks.   ;-)

It's A Great Day For America - George Washington Was A Beer Brewer!

THE TELEGRAPH - A handwritten recipe for "small beer" created by Washington in 1757, while serving in the Virginia militia, has been published by the New York Public Library. The recipe, which was found in Washington's "Notebook as a Virginia Colonel", lists the ingredients as bran hops, yeast and molasses – an addition that may explain his infamously rotten teeth.
"Take a large Sifter full of Bran Hops to your Taste," Washington instructed. "Boil these 3 hours then strain out 30 Gall into a cooler [and] put in 3 Gall Molasses while the Beer is Scalding hot." "Let this stand till it is little more than Blood warm then put in a quart of Yeast if the Weather is very Cold [then] cover it over with a Blanket & let it Work in the Cooler 24 hours then put it into the Cask".
A 15-gallon batch of Washington's beer is to be made to mark the library's centenary by the Coney Island Brewing Company, under the name "Fortitude's Founding Father Brew".
While half the batch will stay faithful to Washington's original recipe, the other half will contain malted barley instead of molasses, which may make it more palatable to modern drinkers.

Take that, Sam Adams! Get me bran hops, yeast and molasses immediately. If it's good enough for the man on the dollar bill it's good enough for me. This must be the stuff that carried the Minutemen through those harsh winters and gave them the liquid balls to beat down the Redcoats. This is just the kind of thing that gets a Bahtendah goin' on a Friday. Splendid, by George!

Beer Thief Takes A Header Making Off With His Haul

FLORIDA - Polk County Sheriff’s detectives are looking for a beer robber. It happened on Wednesday, April 27, 2011, at the E-Z Food Store located at 15 Acuff Road in Lake Wales. The suspect, seen on video surveillance, got out of the front passenger side of a black Chevy Lumina with dark tinted windows and no tag, and walked into the store. Moments later the suspect then ran out of the store with two cases of Bud Light beer. The robber tripped and fell, dropping the beer all over the parking lot, then jumped into the backseat of the waiting vehicle and fled the scene. Investigators describe the suspect as a white male in his mid-20s, wearing blue jeans, a green T-shirt, a dark colored ballcap with a white logo on it, and black sneakers.

Fumble! Hey coach, don't draft this kid. His quickness isn't bad. Recovery time nothin' to sneeze at. But he can't hold onto the rock! Turnovers are everything when ya get to the big time and we just can't be havin' this shit. Nope - pass. Not even an invitation to camp.

How Far Would You Go To Steal A Case Of Beer?

Police: Man hid in Walgreens for beer

UPI.COM - Police in Kansas said a burglar hid inside a Walgreens store until it closed and tried to leave with a case of Bud Light beer. Wichita police said they responded to the Walgreens store at 21st and Maize Road Saturday night after a burglar alarm was tripped at the store, KDFI-FM, Wichita, reported Tuesday. Officers arrived to find a 25-year-old man near the store with a case of Bud Light. The man allegedly told officers he hid inside the store because employees refused to sell him the beer. He said he waited until the store was closed and employees had left to emerge and with the beer. Police said he apparently tripped the burglar alarm on the way out. He was placed under arrest.

Let me get this straight. You hide in a store, wait for it to close and then all you try to walk out with is a case of beer? This dude is such a lightweight he's pathetic. Have some balls, kid. If you're gonna take the risk, make it worthwhile. It's Walgreen's - there's a whole lotta shit in that store and they have shopping carts! How 'bout some pizza? Or pretzels? Or maybe, like, a cash register? C'mon young fella, you're just a laughing stock without the creativity, destined to spend your career in the minors. Such a waste....

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This Guy Has Been Seen On Video More Than The Double Rainbow Dude

Alleged beer bandit finally canned for stealing 2,400 beers

SAN ANTONIO - The Alamo City may have an alleged king of beer run thefts. Santiago Martinez was arrested by San Antonio police on accusations of a three month crime spree where more than 2,400 beers were stolen. Martinez was charged with theft of $1,500-$20,000. He remains behind bars trying make a $15,000 bond.An arrest warrant said the 24-year-old stole from eight different San Antonio Valero convenience stores between Nov. 28 and Feb. 25. In fact, police said they had 28 separate criminal cases against him. He allegedly took 18 packs of beer. Police said he stole 134 of them worth almost $2,900. The warrant said Martinez can be seen in 26 surveillance videos and still shots from the crimes. Investigators said their beer run suspect admitted he was the person in 17 of those security photos. According to the warrant, other suspects and suspected vehicles are visible in the footage as well.

Let's do some quick math. 2,400 beers in 3 months is 800 per month. That translates to roughly 27 beers a day. Bravo, Santiago - that's quite the belly you're building. The problem is that you're so shitfaced on a daily basis you probably didn't notice that you were showin' up on 26 surveillance videos. You've been on TV more lately than college basketball. Stay thirsty, my friend!

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Please note: The Speakeasy never has and never will endorse a non-alcoholic beer (unless they pay mad money to put banners on the site).