Dirk Nowitzki's New Girlfriend Jessica Olsson Vs. His Old Girlfriend Crystal Taylor

Crystal Taylor

It seems that big Dirk has had an interesting go of things on the girlfriend front.  His previous squeeze Crystal Taylor (aka Crista Ann Taylor) spent time in jail on a parole violation.  There was also some weirdness about her claiming to be pregnant with Dirk's kid.  Anyway, on the one hand she looks to be a total horse face, plus she's 37 years old. On the other hand she has that "do-anything-you-want-to-me-in-bed" look.  But Dirk's a freakin' multi-millionaire world champion who should be bangin' world class poontang, not washed up jailbirds bein' lesbianized in prison.  Now here's a look at The Big German's current matress mate:

Jessica Olsson

Meet Jessica Olsson, a Euro-chick who looked absolutely smokin' on last night's ESPYS.  A couple of observations:  First of all, total upgrade over the last over-the-hill slutpiece.  Second of all, credit to Dirk for bein' his own person and not embracing the old Nazi vision of creating the perfect Aryan race.  I think it's pretty clear that he'd go for the dark meat at Thanksgiving and that tells me that he's a man with his own independent mind.  Hey Dirk - nice comeback on and off the court.  Add to that that you emasculated LeBron, so the first round here at the Speakeasy is on me.  Beck's for everyone!  Everybody drink!

Milan Lucic's Girlfriend Is A Dime

Well played Looch.  Check out the knock-me-down-and-fuck-me shoes on this chick.  Any bets on how long it will be before she's butt-naked and bendin' over the Stanley Cup?  Gonna need a little bleach after the batch....

Mad At Your Girlfriend? Get Naked, Smear Shit On Her Door And Try To Set Her Apartment On Fire

Boyfriend's Feces Attack Leads To Arson Arrest

KTLA - A poop-smearing man is now charged with arson after befouling his pregnant ex-girlfriend’s apartment door and setting it on fire, authorities said Tuesday. The messy rampage began round 5:30 a.m. when Rasheen Harrison, 24, stripped naked inside the elevator of his former girlfriend's apartment building on the 300 block of Vanderbilt Ave, according to silive.com. He went straight to her apartment, and, while reportedly screaming obscenities and claiming to be the devil, pasted his own excrement on the door and then tried to ignite it -- using his own clothes to build the fire. Police reportedly arrested a naked and filthy Harrison at the scene of the crime. Safe inside the apartment during the entire episode were his six-months pregnant ex-girlfriend, two children and another person, possibly a man, according to reports. The Daily News reported that Harrison’s poop attack didn’t end there, however. After cops locked him inside a holding cell at the 120th Precinct on Staten Island, the poop Picasso began to smear a feces mural on the walls. The Daily News reports that Harrison, who goes by the nickname of Illuminati, was mad at his ex for stealing his cell phone. Harrison was reportedly taken to Bellevue Hospital for psychiatric observation. Harrison now faces charges of arson, criminal mischief, reckless endangerment, menacing and endangering the welfare of a child, according to Staten Island DA Daniel Donovan.

I'm gonna guess that Illuminati here is gonna have a hard time wooing back his baby-mama. But maybe if he writes a beautiful poem with a heartfelt apology, picks up some roses and a box of chocolates, er wait, candy, throws in a day at the spa and a night of dinner and the movies he might have a chance. Or not.

Vampires In Boulder!

Fox31
Man accused of biting girlfriend who refused to buy him beer
BOULDER -- A 19-year-old man accused of biting his girlfriend's hand because she wouldn't buy him a beer is in big trouble because of the incident. Stephen Siebold is also accused of hitting the woman over the head with a skateboard and trying to strangle her according to a report in the Boulder Daily Camera. Boulder police Sgt. Kristi Peterson says this happened at about 7 p.m. Wednesday in the 1200 block of Elder Ave. A police report says the man was at home with his 21-year-old girlfriend when he's accused of attacking her because she wouldn't buy him beer. Investigators believe he may have been under the influence of narcotics.

Hey, dude, I understand the need for an ice cold brewski. I'm having one myself right now.  Mmm, beer.  But biting? Boppin' her in the cabeza with a skateboard? Strangling? Weak. NO BEER for you! Pay attention!

Girlfriend Tases Boyfriend (Huh?)

Girl Scares And Tases Boyfriend - Watch more Funny Videos

I cannot possibly imagine what the payback is gonna be here, but it looks like he'll have a little time to think about it....